Thanksgiving is over so it's officially Christmas.

Christmas has never been my favourite time of the year. There’s no snow, Santa or presents; insetad I get forcefed through every sense organ images of happy people in their happy families.


This is not my life.

While everyone's dining, partying or playing poker, I'd be watching Home Alone on TV for the 156th time. And after I get fat from eating all those candy canes and log cakes, I’d worry about the future. The future meaning transitioning into the New Year and feeling unbearably old.

So while I am enjoying my eggnogg latte and jazzy christmas tunes now, I can’t wait for Christmas to be over. Yet, this/next year may be different because:
- I have flexible working hours (one of the perks of being a labber)
- I have a lot of money
- I’ve stopped counting how old I am. Sadly, I’m neither wine nor cheese but at least I’ll get cheaper car insurance at the price of saggier skin.

So even if there’s no snow or Santa, at least there’ll be presents. And even if I have to watch a few more romcoms to get me through the season, at least I can go to cinemas on a quiet weekday afternoon (and be the only person in the theatre, or only person who with a non-senior citizen ticket). Life has a way of going on. Now, if only I can sleep earlier and cut down on my chardonnay consumption, I’m pretty sure I can stay alive for a little longer.

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

How thin and fragile is the thread that binds two lovers, or that separates two solitudes.

I'm ready to pay attention. To listen to his every epiphany, to laugh at all his jokes that has missed its punchline, to ache at the tiniest scrape on his hands, to learn his history and chronicle his memories, to understand and empathize, to build and to trust. How nice, that the moment I loved him, I felt the rest of my life and existence would not be enough to care for him.

Love transcends boundaries. But not the boundary of time. Because "I love you" should only ever be taken to mean "for now".

Today marks the end of my first week in Stanford.

And today is a good day. Not just because the weather was impeccably perfect (sunshiny, warm and breezy), or that the food today was nice (chicken soup, fried claypot rice, krispy kreme and naked juice), or that we went clubbing-style karaoke and I had a tonne of fun screaming "fuck you", but because I'm very contented with where I am today. AT risk of soudning hypocritical, I'll be brutally honest and admit I'm dimwitted, and at best average. No reason why I get a full, padded scholarship to live it up in the Golden STate. ANd here I am, soaking up every morsel of this experience. It's a time for positive reinvention!

ANyway I realised three things.

First, that I really love singing. Second, that stepping outside your comfort zone you'll realize it's much wider than you actually thought. Third, that everything will fall perfectly in place.. as long as you're not fussy about what "perfectly" means. (Right, so for now it has to mean not making it through an audition for an acapella group I REALLY wanted to join.)

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close
To the Golden Coast
Once you party with us
You'll be falling in love
Oooooh oh oooooh

My heart is literally aching.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, then it does not make a sound. It's the same then, that unless there is someone who understands, we are not really speaking. and if there is no one there to love us, we do not truly exist. Really? Really.

I have a shockingly impossible demand: LOVE ME! and for what reason? I can only offer a worthless insufficient excuse: because i love you...

あの道まで響く　靴の音が耳に残る
大きな自分の影を見つめて想うのでしょう
ちっとも変わらないはずなのに　せつない気持ちふくらんでく
どんなに想ったって君はもういない

行きたいよ君のそばに　小さくても小さくても
１番に君が好きだよ　強くいられる
願いを流れ星に　そっと唱えてみたけれど
泣かないよ　届くだろう　きれいな空に

会えなくても記憶をたどって　同じ幸せを見たいんだ
あの香りとともに花火がぱっと開く



<33 Can't remember who I watched this movie with.

My friend is grieving. When I was grieving, I thought I’d try to encourage myself like I’d encourage someone. I’d cheer myself on, force a smile and hold it there for 10 seconds, and tell myself that I’ll be alright. It was only after I decided that I needed to experience the full depth of my sorrow that I began to feel better. That came with bouts of crying due to the awful, unbearable pain, crippling self doubt and utter disgust at myself. I even resorted to medicinal chocolate (and chocolate cake) until I contemplated joining Overeaters Anonymous.

So when people talk about love and marriage, I immediately feel as ignorant as if I were thrown into the 87th Plenary Conference on Quantum Physics and Supersonics. But despite the “weird” nature of my past “relationships”, I do know the difference between love and care and flattered fancy. Attraction is often real, but affection not (at best fleeting, and at worst feigned). I’ve seen two people pretending to be just friends, but would do anything for/with the other. And two people pretending to be a couple with a wall of jealousy, contempt and distrust between them, which eventually gets so high until nobody can hear what’s going on at the other side. Sad, but not yet tragic.

Some days I feel there’re only two places I can find love – Cambridge and Singapore. Perhaps if I could stay in either those places, I’d find a guy willing to spend nights discussing my daily epiphanies, who would celebrate each anniversary with me with a toast to “many more blissful years to come”. We’d join the world in ring-shopping and hunnymooning. We’d be idealists, and even if our castles in the air crumble, at least we wouldn’t be alone picking up the pieces. Alas, those places have almost already become hazy childhood memories. Now, that’s tres tres tragic.

These days I’m craving simplicity - easy tshirt and jeans to work, a hot mug of tea to start the day, and a slow long swim to end the week. I’m winning the Academy Award for looking so serene on the surface, but actually I’m turning myself inside-out trying to get out of my mind. It’s been such a heartbreaking and aching place to stay the last few weeks. Thank God for friends. Although I could use a shoulder for a long cry, I guess a quick one-armed embrace will suffice. But I know I can’t use friends as therapists all the time. And besides, I’m not taking their advice.

Anyway, the last week in review.

Monday: My PD showed me a picture of blue balls.. on mice.

Tuesday: National day! This is home, trulyyy, where I know I must be. WHeree my dreams wait for mee. My dreams won’t wait for me 5 years, will they?

Wednesday: Watched Horrible Bosses.

Thursday: Baked a chocolate raspberry cake.

Friday: Went to PI’s house for some shisha! Ooohhh

Saturday: Don’t remember where this day went. But there was definitely moscato involved.

Sunday: Went to Wild Wild Wet and got really seasick.

Last night Bill took me out for dinner and a tour of the city. We had pizza at Pizanos, and some beers at the bar. Because I love the sky scrapers, we walked around The Loop. The Trump Tower, Willis Tower, Hard Rock Hotel, Tribune Tower… Then we walked by the river and talked about love and history and being gay.

When I got back it was midnight and she was already asleep. I took a shower and crept into bed next to her. The next morning I heard her leaving the room. I tried going back to sleep. She came back a few minutes later… “Good morning, I bought breakfast for you!” with a cinnamon bun and OJ for me, and some coffee for herself. And then I woke up.

And Chicago awakes! It's 7am in the windy city and I was awakened by the smell of coffee and the dripping sound of the coffee maker. We're on the 20th floor of the Hyatt Regency, overlooking the river and the big buildings.

For the reception yesterday there was 10 x wine, 10 x cheese, 10 x cold meats, 10 x olives/other cold vegs. She piled on the cheddar, the mozzarella, the brie and the blue, as well as the olives, while I piled on the asparagus. Those who know me well will know that asparagus is one of my favourite foods (but definately after Thai of course).

After a glass of Riesling each, and then a bottle of chilled Moscato in our room, a movie about alien cockroaches, a movie about alien slugs, some ice cream, we fell asleep.

The next day we went to Navy Pier.

L: We could walk.. or we could rent a bike and bike along the river...
M: OR we could kayak ON the river. I kayak very well...
L: U have no muscles
M: What?!!! I can do MANY pullups and I'm SUPER strong
L: Then why always ask me open bottles for you in the lab?

We walked, then we sat on the Ferris wheel.

I had lunch with some non-native english speakers the other day.

Me: So where do you usually dive?
A: I dove in..
B: Dove?? It's diven, no? (pronounced dee-ven)
C: Mmm... dave?
D: It should be dived..
A: I dove, but I have dived. Anyway, I dove in..

This talk about lunch is making me hungry. And goodness! I just ate an entire tub of Anderson's ice cream. Every Sunday night I get depressed and resort to medicinal chocolate, and popcorn and ice cream. One day it's going to show. One day my legs will look like they're melting, and my arms will look like I drink bacon grease for breakfast.

Connie Talbot is all grown up! She's such an angel. :')) I swear I'm going to marry a singer.


Never mind, I'll find someone like youuu
I wish nothing but the best, for you too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts insteaadd

I want to go to New Orleans. I want to go to New Orleans like a guy trapped in a desert wants water, like a Cambridge student in May wants sleep. I want to walk around the city, listen to music, buy a tshirt, be alone, talk to myself, talk to the universe, cry till I choke, laugh, read books, sip a chai latte, write.

I’ll have to wait. It’s about 3 months till a whole new life in a whole new place with new people. 3 months. That is all that is standing between me and a sunshine-filled, no-set-bedtime, no-parental-restrictions life.

Breakfast: Chocolate on my bed while watching Archer or IASIP.
Bath: Optional.
Housework: Minimal.
Laundry: Unnecessary.
Lunch: Expired sandwich on bed while watching Archer or IASIP.
Work: Begins after lunch.
Dinner: Whatever I can find at 11pm.
Feeling too small to fail: time-to-time(feel free to translate time-to-time as daily)

But I’m getting older. (No surprise to anyone operating on this plane of reality.) And we all know, a smart woman, a kind woman, is one who has a devoted husband, who takes care of him and each of her children, who invites people to her home, offer them food and have them sit around a table and joke and laugh and tell stories. Thinking about the challenges I'd face as I try to grow from a selfish 22yo, to a woman who tries to be everything she can for her family, and uhh yes, for the pursuit of knowledge (also known as my job).

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,
A consolation strong against despair,
That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,
I find the Saviour there!
Through present sufferings, future’s fear,
He whispers ‘courage’ in my ear.

I’m scared. I’m not looking for a designer job or lifestyle. I just want a sustainable one. In every facet of my wretched existence, I’ve screwed up royally. I would blame the quarter-life crisis for feeling like that, but it may be self-indulgent to call it a crisis, and it doesn’t look like it’s going away a few years from now. I kinddaa know where I’m going, but I don’t know where I am now.

And I’ve got 4 months to change that.

In any case, I have plans. After watching Thor today, I want to marry Tom Hiddleston. How can anyone be so perfectly chiselled! How can anyone be so beautiful! I digress. So, for our hunnymoon, we’d go to a Malibu resort. Me and him would walk barefooted on a powdery beach under the moonlight. His damp hair in the summer breeze, his dark eyes and ivory-white skin.....Then we’d have dinner in a darkened restaurant, thick with the smell of wood and salt. Instead of violins, I’d listen to him tell me about his battle stories and show me his battle scars. Meanwhile, of course, I’d win the Nobel prize for finding the cure for cancer or HIV.



And I would dream of all that tonight if I’m lucky. So, in case things don’t go exactly like plan A, I have a plan B. This would be when I’m somewhere in the middle of grad school, single, past 25 and well past my prime, hanging out with my single female friends every weekend, and single. I would get hold of a rich, lonely banker or trader (or both), tell them I like them, put on a skirt and sing them this song:



If plan B works, I can quit grad school. By that I mean leave the lab before 10pm since I don’t have to worry about grants, stipends or becoming a PI. It’s a pity the evolution of human intelligence hasn’t left the males behind. Damn. And I’d need to buy some guile, which isn’t found in this country. Plan C: I’m old but not yet dead. Me and my dog would fill our meaningful lives with memberships to Walmart, Weight Watchers and Garett Popcorn’s Big Eaters Club... I guess I know where my life is now.

Terrible terrible thing to happen, even to one of the most well-prepared nations. I'm a bit ashamed this is the first time I'm making a significant donation to my own species (instead of to save the whales or Asian rhinos). This is why we really need to develop teleporting technology, then people stuck in rubble can teleport themselves out, and to safety.

Anyway, I’m mortified at the thought of spending the rest of my twenties in California! I feel like I’m slowly going uphill in a roller coaster completely unprepared with no escape in sight and nothing to hold on to except my own knees. Say hello to Walgreens, Trader Joes and a staple diet of Prozac? And not to mention earthquakes?

And I'll always be thinking about Boston. When I was there I lived in a small neighbourhood where people I met on the streets would greet "Hey! You must be new here!" For breakfast, I'd have apples or cereal with Liz. For lunch I'd have seminar pizza. In the afternoon I'd walk to Prudential Center to get a protein shake and free Godiva. For dinner, fried eggs or grilled hamburgers. During the weekends, playing with Linus, Leslie and Yvonne. I miss those days very very much. But it's just summer love.

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
Get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain
Oh yeah and I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind

Kimberle Shen says:
what vector is it?
all stanford vectors one
pcdna5? pcs2?

zihan =) says:
stanford vector ;)
you've stanford on your mind

Hahaha. VE.RI.TAS.

Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…

Adventures in Solitude

My favourite song on my favourite radio channel when I was driving home from lab at 10pm. I got lost and went to Changi.

Tears were rolling around in my eyes, like plating beads on an agar plate. Even when I'm not crying, the tears are nearby, just beneath the surface.

Was reading the comments for the song:

My special friend, a Sgt. on duty in Afganistan emailed this vid to me, and of course it brought tears to my eyes. Such an incredible song. God bless our troops. oxoxo -BBoydgirl1

I'm Currently in the Air Force. Just came back from Afghan. I will be home in a week. I can't wait. -lamomia913

Its been 6 years since I left my country... Left my family, my girlfriend that im going to marry soon. and this song made me feel enough to leave them... now its time for me to come home and please let me go home... I miss you now! -AdiAudebarn

11,757 people have a home to go to -TheModern117

118 PEOPLE DON'T HAVE A HOME. -musicxlaurete

beautifull song, just read in his book that he wrote it about his ex when they broke up after 8 years. -plumbersmate19

such an emotional song.... reminds me of the best place in the world with my dad... Australia :'( -KoolKatPoc

i haven't been home for 6 months, I haven't seen my girlfriend for 6months,and i have been listening this song for 6 months ,, Worst TORTURE -Eibibory

I still write letters to my grandpa, who passed away in 2008, and keep them. I miss him since we were very close. He was my closure when my parents were arguing. This song makes me think of him. Love you Papa Roland! -BeastOfOlympus

this song reminds me of my ex boyfriend...I don't feel home anywhere without him
-ErikaSzabo1

due to the snow stuck away from home....not sure if I will be able to get home to my wife for xmas :( -dirtyriceboy

I really want go home... -gigamwalimu

gonna go home,i miss my family -ucag20

Job - How to suffer
Psalms - How to pray
Proverbs - How to act
Ecclesiastes - How to enjoy
Song of Solomon - How to love

The pastor said today, just flip open the bible and see what God wants you to read. So I did, and I was at Luke. Actually, cos my bookmark was there. "So therefore, whoever of you does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:33

Thinking about the rest of my life, I'm truly mortified. I can't get my head around the fox gene evolution thing, I can't stop thinking about reason number 406 why I love the ex (yes I had a list, this was a picture of the graze boxes he sent), I can't put on a happy face and bounce around like I've swallowed the sun.

Everything has headed south - I've lost the all the weight I've gained since I broke my leg, I've lost control of the temper I didn't even know I had, I've lost interest in labbing, I've even lost a long-time dream- to look a blue whale in the eye.

"There is such a great fire in one's soul, and yet nobody comes to warm themselves there, and passersby see nothing but a little smoke coming from the top of the chimney, and go on their way."

It didn't work out.

No matter how seductive the idea seemed to be, I'd dig in my heels and tell myself I wasn't going anywhere. Not like there was anywhere else to go, and I always found myself running heart-first into his arms, like a child running into his mother's embrace after school.

It took the Universe 3 years to finally convince me that I should take a leap into the unknown, which was much more than loneliness. I'm in this world where theme parks, romantic European cities and train rides, BFFs don't and will never exist. Yet, the fact that I'm hungry now tells me that the Earth's still spinning.


I loved the fact that we were two very ugly people.

And the moral? Never say never. I've been fighting a losing battle against all the forces of the Universe. And the Universe always wins in the end, even if it takes years. So I might as well stop biting the bullet and go gracefully.

But now it's me alone against the world.

Christmas and me are through

Laugh a little louder
Sing a little prouder
See you in the Rose and Crown
We’ll raise a glass to this old town
Home is where the heart is
The end is where the start is
Have a happy holiday
Remember, boy, to smile when you frown
Out by the old church
I can hear them sing
Long live the king

Oh, Santa Claus, Santa Claus
There’s no Christmas here anymore
Put the bells away
Burn the sleigh
Throw the presents out of my door
‘Cos she’s gone, gone
Everything they said was true
Christmas and me are through

Why’d you go and leave me
I guess you didn’t need me
Funny when you did it, hey
I’m all alone on Christmas Day
Wonder where the time goes
Dressing in the same clothes
Funny how the turkey tastes
With lunches from the microwave cold
Down by the old school
I can hear them sing
Love killed the king

Santa Claus, Santa Claus
There’s no Christmas here anymore
Put the bells away
Burn the sleigh
Throw the presents out of my door
‘Cos she’s gone, gone
Everything they said was true
Christmas and me are through
Christmas and me are through
Christmas and me are through

Santa Claus, Santa Claus
There’s no Christmas here anymore
Throw the bells away
Burn the sleigh
Throw the presents out of my door
‘Cos she’s gone, gone
Everything they said was true
Christmas and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee are through

Tiffany vs Cartier? Neither, I just want to die

Cause if this is what we've got, then what we've got is golddd

I need a hobby now - something to do after dinner, from 10pm onwards. Meaning no musical instruments, no exercise, nothing which will require buying of ingredients/materials, and sorry no volunteering for the poor/old/sick. Most of the time it's TV (the big bang theory, how i met your mother, or a nice movie if i'm lucky)or reading. I would like to put all my youthful time in a bank and take it out when I'm older and richer. But why do I need youth anyway, since all I like doing are watching movies, reading and carrying out experiments.

She breaks promises and can't be trusted. She is condescending. She makes me wait for her. She is busy all the time. She laughs too loudly. She screams when something goes wrong. Sometimes she swears and buries her head in her sleeves. That's when she makes me feel helpless. I'm happy seeing who I love being happy with who she loves.

Happy Thanksgiving to the Americans and Americanized!

I know I stand in line
Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me

Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you

I can see it in your eyes
You still despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you
For me it's true
And never seemed so right before

I practice every day to find some clever
lines to say
To make the meaning come true
But then I think I'll wait until the evening
gets late
And I'm alone with you

The time is right
Your perfume fills my head
The stars get red
And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you
I love you...

Oh I'm an awkward turtle! And I think I'm falling sick, too!

When my world is falling apart
When there is no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at youu
When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymoree
That's when I, I, I look at youu

I <33 Miley Cyrus!

21 Guns. Very cui guitar playing zz

I love Connie Talbot, but George Sampson is just so ultra sexy.

We can be as intimate with another as we possibly can, but we’re born alone and we die alone. There are moments and parts of our existence we can’t share with another no matter how hard we try. We can be part of a school, a team, a clique, a relationship, but we remain impenetrably distinct.

So what does Adam and Eve being one means? Surely there is another layer of connection other than sex, other than the mixing of two genomes into one baby.

How could I have failed to notice when our conversations started to disintegrate into competing monologues, when you found me even more boring than talking to a copy of yourself, when I wasn’t happy being a detachable auxiliary appendage in the frame work of your living. I’d rather be alone.

I really enjoy the MRT ride on the way home from work each day. For 1h, I feel strangely protected; my ears free from people talking to me, office small talk, the chaffing loop of the 5 songs on the radio, and the hum of the MRT can drown out any sms/calls I may have received. I can turn on autopilot. And when I feel like it I can stop by clarke quay for a walk or dhoby for bubble tea. I feel happy in an indestructible way. Selfish, I know.

Joke time!

Father (reading bible to son): The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into salt.
Son: What about the flea?